Aporkcalypse Now

We, as a nation, seem to be losing our collective minds over swine flu … and it’s driving me batty. A politician never lets a good crisis go to waste, and pigfluenza (H1N1) is no exception.

Pigfluenza is the new terrorism. I expect us to be waterboarding swine in tasty sauces. I like honey glazed artificial panics, thank you very much.

At least the internet has a good sense of humor over this latest news-fueled crisis.

Twitter user gnat23: First there was pigfluenza and aporkcalypse, now it’s a HAMDEMIC

But the government has the news media freaked out over this potential flu threat. Nevermind that normal flu has killed thousands more in the past 12 months, or that the last time this scare came along it fell flat. I’ve gone through the SARS nonsense while travelling overseas and bird flu threats have prevented my company from sending me to Asia on at least one occasion … but it’s becoming a real “the sky is falling” problem.

Since we still have no Surgeon General after Obama’s First 100 Days In Office(tm) the President of the United States had to go on national television to tell people to wash their hands. No, seriously, he did that. President Obama turned into My O’Mama on network television.

The US has the position of Surgeon General so the PotUS can go back to important non-medical stuff … which is great since the President isn’t a medical professional and is therefore not covered by my HMO. In times like this we actually need a clear communicator for getting the best information to the public. So I would like to nominate Samuel L. Jackson for Surgeon General of the Unites States.

Now I know what you’re thinking … he’s not a doctor. However, he has played the head of a super-secret organization to track superheroes, a Jedi master and a scientist studying super-sharks. Super. Sharks. Compare that to the TV and movie career of one C. Everett Koop who is now appearing in Life-Alert commercials.

That’s why Samuel L. Jackon would make such a great Surgeon General. Imagine FOX News reading one of his press releases …

Bill Hemmer: The Surgeon General’s statement reads, and I quote, “Wash your hands mother******, you have know idea where that s**t has been! I am not your G*****ed mother, why do I have to get on the mother******* TV and tell you s**t you should have learned in pre-school. Did you pick that s**t up off the floor? Then don’t put it in your f*****g mouth!”

Megyn Kelley: Wow, that n****r speaks the truth. And now for the weather.

Yes, communcable disease is a real public health hazard. Yes, a new strain of flu can be a problem for health professionals. But save that PANIC CARD for when you really need to play it, not just when you want to get the people riled up to spend money or allow another program to be implemented while they’re still in a pork-fever frenzy.

Still, Pigs on a Mother******* Air Force One … awesome.

One Reply to “Aporkcalypse Now”

  1. First, the President’s remarks have been sober and calming — the opposite of a politician taking advantage of a crisis. He took a minute at a public event to tell people to treat this like any other flu. I’m not sure why that’s supposed to be ridiculous.

    Second, if you’re looking for politicians to blame, try the Republican senators who spent the last two months blocking Kathleen Sebelius’s confirmation as head of Health & Human Services (the Surgeon General’s boss, and the CDC’s) because she’s pro-choice. Or you could look to the Republican senator who stripped $870 million for pandemic flu preparation from Obama’s recovery bill back in February. This issue does in fact have bad guys, but you’re looking in the wrong direction.

    Third, Sam Jackson would be much more effective in the Senate where he could call his own shots, rather than as part of the executive.

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