Naughty List

[transcript from Kringle International press conference on December 24, 2018]

Good evening. Thank you all for coming on such short notice. I will be providing information on behalf of Kringle International and the law firm of Donner, Donner, and Blitzen.

Santa Claus is comin' to town
Photo by Maurizio Zanetti (CC BY 2.0)

Kringle International is confirming the recent news of a data breach, which inadvertently released customer records from a database commonly known as “the naughty list.” The breach lasted from Memorial Day through Black Friday. Hackers accessed a variety of personal information including people’s names, birth dates, home addresses and, in some instances, chimney dimensions. Security teams are still investigating how hackers gained access to AWS, our Arctic Web Services. Some media outlets have reported security credentials for a third-party medical provider were used in the attack, but we have not confirmed that Hermey Dental was the source of the breach.

Mr. Nicholas, president and CEO of Kringle International, wants to assure the boys and girls of the world that this isolated incident will not cancel Christmas. However, some of the information released has called into question the methods used to generate an individual’s Kringle Relative Morality Index, or KRMI. Outdated methods of personal surveillance have been retired in favor for more cost effective, and legally defensible, big data algorithms. Kringle works with a variety of third-party providers to correlate data that builds measurable results. For instance, our partnership with fitness tracking device manufacturers efficiently determine when users are sleeping, or when they are awake. Geofencing around a variety of adult establishments can also be cross-correlated with location data to influence specific indices on the bad/good scale. These methods are not only technically efficient, but resolve labor issues raised in union negotiations with The Brotherhood of Elves on Shelves, Local 38. We are also refining the use of publically available data collected from social media keyword scans, Reddit forums, and Tumblr’s new image blocking algorithms.

The discovery of data collected from partners has called Kringle’s use of third-party device data into question. We do provide the opportunity for users to opt-out of KRMI, although few users take advantage of this service, which is best experienced using Internet Explorer. Let me assure you that even though the boys and girls of the world do not directly opt-in to KRMI data collection, our partners are expected disclose these methods via End User License Agreements. Our best elven lawyers have worked on these contracts, commonly known in the office as subordinate clauses.

Kringle employs top data scientists to evaluate how long to retain user data after calculating our patented, and proprietary, KRMI. Since there are no industry standards for data collection at this scale, we look to our partners in the mobile device and credit scoring industries to develop best practices. Some have questioned our broad data gathering policies, but in the modern age we find most users are willing to trade personal data for convenience. In an age where consumers purchase voice assistants for shopping, home automation, and personal communications, using one’s digital footprint to calculate relative morality based on an arbitrary scale is one outcome of current industry trends.

I know we have received questions about petitions for international drone flight clearance, security updates for shelf-based observation devices, animal rights protests against bullying of delivery team members, and reports of undisclosed partnerships with the coal industry. I request that all press inquiries be forwarded to our spokesperson, Mr. Cornelius. Please visit our website for information on free naughty list monitoring. Thank you for your time. Ho, ho, ho.