Cock-a-doodle-don’t

Some people play FARMVILLE … I actually have a farm. The time my wife spends on real chickens gets me real eggs. This, of course, has some practical downsides …

Two of our seven chickens are roosters, so they don’t contribute much to egg production. Their biological imperative to reproduce causes them to guard the hen house, hanging about the chicken coop and scaring away animals who think we’re operating some sort of Zaxby’s supply house in our back yard. The rooster’s inherent lack of intelligence doesn’t let them figure out they aren’t getting any biological imperative on the wrong side of the hen house, so they don’t bother to leave in search of greener pastures and chicks that might return their friend requests on Facebook.

People assume that the farm rooster serves as some sort of organic free-range alarm clock, crowing with the sunrise to start the farmer’s day. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Roosters, as I stated earlier, are stupid. Their sense of timing, much like a drunk accountant trying to tell his version of ‘The Aristocrats’,  is awful. The cartoon stereotype of the attentive rooster alerting sleeping farmers to the start of the working day is about as realistic as a coyote skating after a eastbound road runner with a outboard motor and washtub strapped to his back.

This is why roosters crow at midnight … or 2:30am … or noon … or at a full moon. Jesus, you’re not Jacob from Twilight. Shut the hell up, some of us are trying to sleep!

In this modern era, there are only three reasonable explanations for this type of animal behavior …

1. Roosters are stupid.
2. My roosters are blind and stupid.
3. My roosters are telecommuting, running a wake-up call service for Germans (Germany is six hours ahead of EST, so midnight in Loganville is 6:00am in Germany).

Occam’s razor would lead us to accept Scenario #1, which can be correlated with other rooster behavior (i.e. not getting out of the way of oncoming automobiles, nesting in trees when they have a well built barn for shelter, eating their own poop).

Scenario #2 cannot be true because the roosters exhibit the capability of sight. The roosters can see humans and follow them everywhere around the yard, hoping they will scatter some grain or drop a loaf of bread when unloading the groceries. Alas, they still exhibit stupidity in this action (see “not getting out of the way of oncoming automobiles” which makes it difficult to back out of the driveway).

Scenario #3 is unlikely … but honestly, it’s the most hilarious. Seriously, I love the idea of German chickens outsourcing their waking duties to our crippled economy in an attempt to lower costs as they scratch out solutions to the Greek debt crisis. Rows of American chickens, wearing Bluetooth headsets, hacking into my WiFi and waking German workers via Skype.

Yes, wishful thinking. My chickens are just idiots. But a man can dream … assuming that chicken will shut the hell up and let the man go to sleep.