The Vegetarian Sausage Complex

In our next installment of “Brian Talks Business”, our compares the production of “cruelty-free food products” to questionable management in the business world.

Fear of commitment isn’t just a quality of most college age single men, it’s also a problem for many successful businessmen. They feel that if their company focuses too much on one market, they miss the opportunity to capitalize on opportunities in other areas.

Many businessmen just flat out know better … they understand that a company has limited resources, so they can only tackle a limited set of problems. Once they focus their energy on a limited set of products and services that best match their talents, they have a better chance of success.

The worst type of businessman is the one who treats this like a bad Chinese take-out menu … wanting items from both Column A and Column B. They say they want to focus their energies on a small set of products, but they don’t make the hard decisions required to achieve the goal.

I have seen this for years, but could not find the proper metaphor for this mental disorder. For ages, I was without an analogy. Today I had a breakthrough in nomenclature. I can now refer to this bad business thinking as …

The Vegetarian Sausage Complex

The concept of vegetarian sausage has always bothered me. It is a compromise made by those who should be uncompromising. Why would someone who abandons the consumption of animals want to emulate the one food that most horribly illustrates all they see wrong with the killing of animals for food?

I, like many omnivores in the homo sapien species, find meat tasty. I am aware of where meat comes from, and what sacrifices are made to produce foods containing animal-based proteins.

This does not mean I have a problem with vegetarians. Some very good friends of mine are vegetarian for a number of reasons … some religious, some dietary, some philosophical. I can poke holes in some of their arguments, but I do not fault them for making that choice and sticking with their convictions in an American society that celebrates the consumption of animal flesh with clowns, boomerangs and bipedal bovines.

So what does this have to do with sausage, vegetarians or business? More importantly, how much longer can author go on without actually making his damn point?

Patience grasshopper. One must remember that the journey is more important than the destination … unless you are in a hurry to get from Houston to Orlando and can’t bother to stop and use the bathroom along the way.

Items like vegetarian sausage are for those who cannot keep the strength of their conviction. Vegetarian sausage is the item that allows people to feel guilt free for making a tough choice, but not actually make any sacrifices along the way.

It is the worst kind of compromise.

Indulge me for a moment more as I take you inside the mind of one suffering from Herbivora SalsÄ«cia … the dreaded Vegetarian Sausage Complex:

• A businessman wants to start a sausage factory, so he hires a team to start the factory.
• One day an employee shows up with a truck of pigs. The businessman asks why there is a truckload of pigs, so the employee explains the role swine play in the production of sausage.
• The businessman now has a problem … to make his sausage, he must commit to killing the pigs.
• Now comes the compromise – vegetarian sausage. The businessman thinks this will allow him to take both the path of a sausage manufacturer and an “all around nice guy” that doesn’t have to kill animals.
• Problem for the employees – they know how to make sausage. Real sausage. Dead animal sausage. This faux sausage isn’t what they signed on for. So they hire some vegetarians.
• Problem for the vegetarians – they don’t know what the *&$% sausage tastes like.
• Problem for the businessman – what the hell does he do with all those pigs? He could sell them, but the new owner might turn them into pork chops. If you keep them, then you have to feed them and take care of the … um … output. The term “buffer overflow” comes to mind.

Taking the path of the sausage manufacturer requires a commitment to kill the pigs.

Taking the path of the vegetarian requires a commitment to not make sausage.

Trying to take both paths doesn’t produce the product you wanted to make, or a product that your customers really wanted … plus you’re up to your elbows in pig crap.

We now return you to our not so regularly scheduled programming …